Have you ever gone to a doctor and just known that this was not the right doctor for you? You walk in, the doc is a nice enough person, but you can tell he is just not ‘the one’. You stick with him because he is now familiar, your insurance won’t allow you to see another doctor, or maybe it’s just too darned exhausting to find a new doctor and get him up to speed on your issues!
Princess and I went to the Psychiatrist last week. We hadn’t been there in a long while but we had come to the end of our medication supply and the meds just didn’t seem to be working like they used to. It seems as if the medication was the only thing keeping Princess from becoming extremely anxious and agitated. Dr. Psychiatrist read over the handwritten concerns: physical violence, property damage, extreme mood swings including rage and euphoria, anxiety, belligerence and defiance. He looked at Princess then pulled out his check-list for AD/HD behaviors and asked me fill it out. Then he handed me scripts for two magic pills and told me that he wanted Princess off the mood stabilizer. He said the first magic pill would help with the defiance, rage, and belligerent behaviors. The other magic pill would help her focus during the day.
It is hard to be in the position of trying to get the doc to understand the severity of the behaviors, but not wanting to embarrass an already fragile young Princess in front of a stranger. In this case, all was well because innuendo and veiled meanings are far to complex for Princess to grasp. She did not understand the words manic, bi-polar, euphoria, rage, or belligerence. Not that she cared – she wanted nothing more than to curl up in a ball, divert her eyes and attention away from this weird little doctor who mumbled a few words every now and again that she couldn’t understand. She was extremely uncomfortable. Fortunately for her, two younger princelings were confined to the shoe-box of a room with us. It was the perfect opportunity for her to annoy and aggravate the princelings as they had no escape.
I am on pins and needles anticipating… I’m not sure what. A full out explosion of rage. A melt-down on the scale of nuclear. Anxiety sending Princess into panic mode. Fight or flight. I anticipate the worst, coming from years of walking on egg shells, ‘managing’ behaviors, pre-planning absolutely everything, not ‘rocking the boat’, making sure environments are right, translating her friends words and intentions to avoid the melt-downs. Going through the mental list of what she will and will not wear, what she will and will not eat, what she can and can not tolerate.
I am making a conscious decision to look for the good, anticipate progress and remember how absolutely wonderful she can be. I am choosing to look at the small, seemingly insignificant positives, and smile and thank God for making this Princess who she is. I am choosing to love her today and every day thereafter, even when her choices are not the best.
Dear Lord, thank you for giving me a calm spirit and helping me weather the storms of life when the seas rage and storms blow. They hurt, physically, spiritually and emotionally. But with Your help I know I can see these storms through to the end and come out just fine. You have given me this beautiful Princess. Thank you for her laughter, her helpfulness, and those moments when she is extremely helpful. Help me to bite my tongue when I feel inclined to rage back at her. It is so hard being a punching bag and not punching back! You have stayed my hand, now help stay my tongue. She says such hateful things, leads others into such terror, and upsets the entire family. Please help me not feel anger towards her. Help me bless her when she curses me, help me look on her in love. Help me remember that she is a child of God. Give her an extra dose of clarity during these next few weeks when she is being weaned from one medication to another. Help her realize how much better life is when she is consistent with her medications. I love you and I’m grateful that you have given me Princess to take care of, even though some days I confess I just want to ship her off somewhere for someone else to deal with because I feel too broken to deal with it. In Jesus name, Amen.